Been a while

Hi darling,

It's been a long time since I wrote you. So much has changed! If you look at the date you'll know that your baby sister or brother is less than six months away. As you grow you'll understand the shifts, the stress, and the sheer chaos the last couple months have been. :) I would prefer to write in your journal, but I don't it with me. (We are at dance.)


You are six.

Six...

I'm letting that roll around in my heart and head.

Darling, on one side it brings me to tears. Imagining my baby has grown into a child, how short of a time I have left with you! (only twice the time we've already spent before you are 18!) It was over six years ago when I first held you in my arms, fed you, felt you breathe upon my chest - and now I can barely pick you up! Yeah, tears swelling now...

In other ways I look at you and think, "only six?" I expect so much from you: Conversation, joy, pretend; reason, help, attention. I lecture you about understanding the idea of working hard as we are rushing out the door, once again late to dance! I remind you that obeying me is the first priority as a kid, and sometimes that means moving quickly! Oh child, I see your father in your response. Your thought through response of "but I don't move fast, and sometimes it's not safe to". I can only imagine your Nana shaking her head as I shake mine - because your words, tone, and heart are so similar to your father. Yet you are so helpful! We spent over a hour going through clothes, trying them on, putting them away, and trying on even more! Yes you whined a bit, but you never argued, never said no, and quickly helped me in the whole process. Yeah, I'm pretty lucky.

I'll be honest, I'm nervous about this next season. Having another one - well it was never a part of my plan. But then again love, neither were you but you have been one of the best gifts I've ever been given and cared for. To parent a child seems easy - it's logical in my head, because most of it is formational, but now it's becoming you internalizing all that I've attempted to teach. It's more and more moments of you asking why, and me leading you through but you don't have to hold my hand if you don't want to. I love you something fierce kid, you are one of my favorite people in the world - truly. I don't look at you like my daughter most days, but this child who bears a crazy resemblance to Phillip and I, and whom I enjoy her mere presence. Yeah, I'm nervous.

Things are going to change. Unless God changes the direction (again), this time next year we will be looking at moving, this time in two years we will be somewhere else perhaps far away from the Southern drawl we've grown accustom to. Will family be near? Or only through the gift of Skype? Will we be friends still? Will you and your dad still be the same? It may be the hormones speaking, but I worry that we won't be the same. But we won't be. Seasons change and so will we - but the power of the Spirit is not dependent on us and She can and will keep us together. We will pray about our family should look like. Schools. Friends. Clothes. Hobbies. Sports. We will make mistakes, but I am a part of you and you are a part of me - we are first the Body of Christ to each other and second anything else. So if I follow Him, and you follow Him too - we will always be together.

Don't forget the Lord darling. Doubt is okay. Our God is not afraid of questions, but be prepared for awe, for wonder, for mystery and space of ambiguity. Yet there is certainty, hope, peace and knowing - truly being known like you'll never experience otherwise. This last Sunday you and two other preschoolers said that you felt something in your hearts like you've never felt before. You called it power. I'm praying, hoping and believing that like I was marked you too will be marked. That years can pass, seasons change and paths go in ways you'd never imagine but the mark in your heart by our Lord will never leave you. When you wake, or as you lie unable to sleep that you'd know He loves you, He has called you to be a part of His life, and the Spirit will never leave you - She broods in our darkest times and dances in our lightest days.

So it's been a while, and likely will be another while before I write to you again. But remember... You are loved. I love you Adelaide Devorah - from your head down to your toes, from your knees to your wiggly nose.

Your Moma